


crack is all i wish for when i age

by Anonymous



Series: Eddie's lungs aren't the only thing that's long [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Birthday, Crack, Eddie isnt dead we swear, Geeses b scary, M/M, Ominous, This is late but tis richie's birthday crack, Very kinky wink wonk, birthday fic, but also very epic, but they do be vibin doe, chunky meth juice, crackfic, eddie is a professional goose murderer, like CRACK, lotta drugs here, me and my wife have more regrets than you could imagine, sorry - Freeform, very confusing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23085607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: eddie and richie fight sven the goose in an epic intense battleplease don't read this if you're looking for a serious fic
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Sven the goose/his second head Gregory
Series: Eddie's lungs aren't the only thing that's long [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783456
Kudos: 6
Collections: Anonymous Fics





	crack is all i wish for when i age

**Author's Note:**

> title is just the name of the doc  
> we are so fucking sorry  
> me and my wife just wanted to write for trashmouth's bday and ended up making t h i s  
> lotta drug and sex jokes and overuse of the word gay so if that bothers you then our apologies dudez  
> well have fun

Richie is officially one year closer to death, which is surprising considering he got stabbed that  
one time, so that shit's to be celebrated. 

However, the day was not coming to a great start., where’s the space egg when ya need him? 

He'd left his house to find the equivalent of a middle finger with legs and teeth blocking his way. 

Standing 2 meters in front of him was a goose. An ugly one too, or maybe that's just how his  
mind perceives creatures without souls. 

He knows these fuckers aren't to be messed with alright, he saw an Instagram post once where  
it chased a dude and bit him. Like that had been funny then. He's judging his past self  
immensely for laughing now. Like, he knew he was a completely soulless sadist, but he should  
have known the stakes of a goose attack. Those spindly, spidery-neck, lookin ass birds were not  
to be taken lightly. 

The goose - he dubbed it Sven in his head, it looked like a Sven - held eye contact as it sat  
down. Which meant that plan A - which had been to win in a staring competition with the  
creature until it left - had failed. 

A possible plan B was to slowly back away and just, not go to school. However he doubted that  
the school would take a goose blocking the way as a legit excuse. The teachers probably didn't  
watch nearly as many Instagram videos as he did. 

He did back away to his door though, and he swore Sven's eyes followed him all the fucking  
way. As soon as he shut the door he hurried to pull out his phone, he knew he wasn't safe yet, if  
Sven really has it out for him he'll be able to get through the door, no doubt. 

He opened the group chat and kept an eye on Sven as he typed  
Richie: guys i need help  
Bill: ??  
*insert concern* 

He snapped a zoomed in picture of the creature from his window, making sure he really  
captured those soulless eyes, and sent it to the chat 

Richie: meet sven  
Bev: aww  
Richie: don't be fooled  
Richie: he does NOT mean well  
Bev: idk he looks nice  
Richie: OH ALRIGHT bev how about u take ur new bestie sven the fuck away from my house  
Richie: just don't say I didn't warn u  
Bev: I'm already AT school  
Mike: Has he.. Done anything, besides sit there ?  
Richie: no  
Richie: thats exactly the problem, hes planning something  
Bev: just walk around him it'll probably be fine  
Richie: HELL NO  
Richie: OH SHIT HE MOVED 

Sven was indeed taking a whole step closer to his house. Even if he did value his body parts  
over coming to school in time, this was a bit stressful. 

Sven seemed to have chosen to have a staring contest with the grass now. Then he made a  
sound that could be heard through the fucking wall. 

Correction: this was very stressful. 

He knew he was fucking screwed, because should the demonic goose steal his limbs, he would  
require a doctor, which risks him losing his organs too. 

It occurred to him that almost all of his friends' classes had already started except for Eddie's.  
On to plan C then. 

R: eddie  
R: eddie  
R: mr spaget  
R: come and save me from sven  
E: who the fuck is sven  
R: check the gc  
E: OH SHIT  
R: he still hasn't left and he made a s o u n d it was pure evil I stg  
E: hold on  
E: okay so i can’t find my sword  
E: i have a bunch of throwing knives and an AK-47, those chill????  
R: Edward spaghedward, what in the actual fuck-  
E: Listen u dum dum, it’s called STREET SMARTS  
R: *smartz  
E: DON’T CORRECT ME OR THE KNIVES WON’T BE USED ON THE FUGGEN GOOSE  
NEXT TIME.  
R: n e x t t i m e?  
E: well yeah, what do you think the gun’s for?  
R: unless you’re talking about a nerf gun, then it’s not ‘street smartZ’, it’s breaking the law-  
E: well it doesn’t fire b u l l e t s  
R: well what does it fire then? I’m 169% pure confusion rn  
E: f i s h  
R: SO THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO SVEN AND GREGORY-  
E:no rich, i’m not talking about murderous goldfish here, you know you shouldn’t talk about the  
victims of the scaly murders like that.  
R: don’t change the subject u fuckin-  
E: well point being i’m about to murder by 70th goose.  
R: HELL YEAH  
R: wait 70th????  
R: YOU’RE AT 69???????????  
R: yeah, no, we ain’t ruining that shit  
R: fuck the goose  
E: knowing you, i can’t tell if you’re being serious or not and it genuinely terrifies me  
R: don’t worry, pasta boy  
R: this 10 mile long noodle belongs to your mother, and your mother alone  
R: but if you ask nicely, i’m willing to split it with you both  
R: mainly because having a 10 mile long penis is actually very inconvenient  
E: you’d be lucky if your miserable little dick was the same length as this goose’s fuckin neck  
R: wait you’ve seen the goose?  
E: yeah, it’s choking on my paper shurikens  
R: throwing stars, u fuckin weeb  
E: fuck you  
R: oh you would? I’m flattered 

Richie needed to stop Spaghet from absolutely demolishing this fucking deformed, lanky  
necced, duck fuckin, dolphin eating, ugly lookin goose. This was no ordinary goose, and pasta’s  
sexy legs were at stake here, and so he burst out of the front door (yannow, like babies do after  
eating their way through their mother’s stomach and flesh?) wielding his phone as he shrieked.  
“EDDIE NO, THAT’S SVEN, HE’LL STEAL YOUR OBSCURELY NAMED BODY PARTS!!!!” 

“WHAT?!” 

“YEAH DUDE, HE’LL RIP OFF YOUR PHIZ.” 

“DAMN, EVEN MY SUPERCILIUM?!” 

“NO THAT BELONGS TO THE DOCTORS.” 

“DAMN, THE ONES THAT STOLE YOUR APPENDIX AFTER YOU WERE STABBED BY  
HENRY?” 

“HENRY????!?!??!?! BITCH IT WAS SVEN.” 

Eddie gasped and wheezed dramatically, cos his lungs don’t work, a gheeze if you will, before  
he whipped 77 knives out of his moist ass socks. “HOW DARE YOU, I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT  
GETS TO IMPALE RICHIE” 

“FUCK YOU EDS, YOU MISERABLE TWINK-” 

Sven stood and watched the gay chaos before Eddie remembered that he existed, ramming 69  
of the 77 knives (which were actually thoothpicks) into his eyes, little did these dumb gay  
bitches know, Sven was UNDEFEATABLE. 

Regardless, Richie stood at the side, filming the epic battle, as he trusted Eddie’s experience in  
goose murdering. Sven, using his paranormal goose vision spotted the phone and got hella  
triggered. Much to Edmund’s surprise, the goose grew 17 legs. Eddie got hella spooked and  
whipped out his lungs steroid blaster. He took a hit of his bronchus elongator and began to  
cough because, damn, this isn’t air steroids, it’s granola vape. 

Eddie was suddenly overcome by a feeling of extreme epicness. Sven grew a second head, it  
was green. Richie mentally named it Gregory to honour the second victim of those wacky  
goldfish crimes. 

With a tall ass 2 headed monster looming above them Richie knew this battle would not be  
easy, therefore he decided to be of actual help and materialized some cool fucking sunglasses  
that he epicly tossed to Eddie - who was still fucking dead and probably on the verge of  
collapse, the only thing keeping him alive was Granola. Unfortunately, Richie missed, because  
he’s gay, and therefore cannot throw straight. The sunglasses flew into fucking space and  
exploded awesomely, the burnt ass crispy fucken frames landing perfectly on Gregory's head. 

"NOOOOO" Richie cried out, doing a dramatic hand gesture and falling to his knees. ‘KINKY’  
Pasta boi thought, but then again, Richie is not an orange, fuck oranges, but damn he kinda  
wanted to thou-NO, he’d better kill this fucking bird first 

Imagining that Sven was a lemon, Darren specifically, fuck Darren. he thrust into him  
(non-kinkily) with his FIST and a TOOTHPICK, yelling "FUCK YOU DARREN, YOU’RE A  
PAMPLEMOUSSE IN DENIAL YOU FUGGIN BALL OF CHUNKY METH JUICE" 

Then Sven exploded into confetti, because the sheer hatred Eddie had for this DARREN was  
that powerful, actually Sven hated DARREN too now. Thus Sven's newer lesser half Gregory,  
flopped away like a gay fish, using his neck, to go and terrorise DARREN instead, non kinkily. 

Richie stopped the recording and whooped very loudly because of his successfully elongated  
lungs.  
"SPAGET U DID IT YOU ABSOLUTE LEGEND, SO FUGHIN MAJESTIC I WANNA FUGHEN,  
KISS YOUR EYEBALLS!” 

Eddie, still high on Granola drugs (the best kind of drugs if you ask him) gave a hella jiggly  
thumbs up before fucking dying. Like, he’s just, there, in a pool of toothpicks, Damn. 

Richie was however too busy uploading his new epic video to Youtube.com, clicking on all the  
setting to assure the algorithm gods that it was family friendly. 

It would honour Spagheddie's memory for years to come. 

But because Richmond is sad and gay, he decided the get another cryptid doctor. 

Eddie had a pancreas to spare, cos he’s a sentient milk carton anyway. 

Is this the end?  
It is.  
OR is it?  
Who knows…………………………….  
I mean greg is still out there, eddie still has his pancreas, richie still fears the geeses, and the  
granola vape is still vibing, on the ground, ready to fucc shit up, som en tub in i ett rövhål var  
den lilla manicken redo att klänga sig fast i dina lungor och stanna där, för alltid.  


**Author's Note:**

> part 2 of ' my manz richie got heccin skadooshed' if you couldn't tell


End file.
